Cell phone stores

Happy New Year, everybody! My son and I visited a local ATT wireless store yesterday, to exchange his now dying cell phone for a new one.

Cell phones! What an amazing invention! When Benjamin Braddock, played by Dustin Hoffman, rolled off the inflatable mattress in his swimming pool, the middle-aged man, speaking to Benjamin, told him: "Remember one word: plastics." If this movie were happening today, he would tell him to remember one thing: cell phones. If you build it (a cell phone tower), they will come: People using cell phones for good things (staying in touch with their friends, wives, and kids); for immoral things (making dates with their girlfriends and boyfriends, so they can cheat on their spouses or significant others); bad things (setting up terrorist plots or criminal enterprises); violent things (detonating IEDS or explosives); and stupid things (texting people you don't really know to discuss things you don't really care about so you can waste time which don't really have to avoid having to do things which you are supposed to be doing). It's enough to make Alexander Graham Bell turn over in his grave.

I have learned some interesting facts about cell phone stores:

1. Terminology: When your phone that you purchased within the last year or so starts to fall apart, and you need to get a new one, the cell phone company will tell you that you need an "upgrade." Does an upgrade mean that you will get a better phone? No, not exactly, it just means that the phone you will now get, if you are cheap (like me), and you want the least expensive phone possible, is simply one that works, which makes it an "upgrade" to the phone which you are returning, since that phone is one that does not work any longer.

2. Customer convenience: You might think that bringing in a dying cell phone, taking out its brain (the SIMM chip), and transplanting the brain to a new body, in a new cell phone, would be a fairly simple experience. On the contrary, nothing is simple about it. Also, if you don't save your phone numbers into your SIMM chip, you may be in for a nasty surprise, which is that all those phone numbers that you spent all that time saving into your phone are, poof, gone forever.

3. The waiting game: When you walk into the store, they will ask you to sign your name to a piece of paper, and then you wait. The interesting part of this is that you may find that somebody, whom you do not recognize, will walk up to you, address you by your first name, and then ask you to go to the counter to talk to a customer service rep. You might wonder, how do they do that, presuming that you are not a celebrity whom is instantly recognizable. My son convinced me that after you sign the piece of paper, and walk away, somebody takes careful notes about your appearance, and then records those notes next to your name. So, in my case, they probably wrote down something like "Old fat guy with glasses who looks like he is bored out of his mind."

4. The two boring TV screens: What is really annoying about this is that unless you want to spend your waiting period wandering the store looking at the phones that you can't afford or the exciting accessories that you don't need, you can watch two gorgeous TV screens that are facing some reasonably comfortable chairs. Just think of what you could be watching: live or recorded TV shows, sporting events, the news, weather channels, or other exciting TV fare. Fuhgetaboudit! This particular store features two screens, one with a few seconds of Dexter, from Showtime, a few brief shots of movies made many years ago, and the other with a few seconds of sports figures including Kobe Bryant and Serena Williams showing off their shots, both sets featuring never-ending tape loops. If there is a more efficient way of torturing your customers, I would like to see it. The cell phone store therefore ensures that by the time you get to exchange your phone, your are really bored and angry.

5. Don't trust your customer: When you finally get your phone, after it's tested and turned on, you get your rebate form, (allowing you to, someday, get a debit card, which is actually a credit card and which you will, if you remember, use to buy groceries so that every cent of the card is used up since, obviously, the cell phone store is hoping that you will give up by then, allowing them to make the extra $50 that you are owed), you get your phone, your phone bag, and your sales receipt, you might think, OK, touchdown, that's it, I am done!

Wrong. What this store does is that the cell phone rep holds on to the bag, the cell phone, the rebate form and the rest of it, and he or she walks out from beyond the counter and escorts you out of the store, opens the door, and hands you the bag, thus ensuring that your shopping experience is ended with you, finally out of the store. You might wonder, what is their motivation for this, sudden, wonderful treatment after the last thirty minutes or so of suffering?

Maybe they think you want to come back to the store and repeat the whole experience? Doubtful.

Maybe, they are in effect, apologizing for making you suffer through this whole ridiculous experience? Probably not.

Are they showing off to the other customers in the store how devoted they are to you? Probably not a bad idea, but also doubtful.

This may seem paranoid, but the most likely reason is to make sure that once you have the bag in your hand, you are out of the store, and do not have a chance to stuff your bag with some post-Christmas gifts, such as cell phone chargers, ear buds, and other items that are worth $100 or less. How about walking off with the cell phones themselves, that could cost $100 and up? No, the cell phone store shows, for once, some intelligence here, since this valuable merchandise is beyond reach to the customers, since it is accessible only to employees armed with the proper passcodes.

So, does any of this make sense? No, especially, since, with all of our available technology, one would think this could be something that could be done much more efficiently, instead of being such an amazing waste of resources, time and effort. So, next time you need to go to a cell phone store to "upgrade" your phone, make sure you bring a book to read, or an IPOD to listen to. Perhaps that way, you won't be able to think of how unnecessary this experience has to be.

In memorium-Angela Roque

I would like to say a few words about the passing of our friend, Angela Roque, who passed away on September 24. Angela, who is pictured here with her kids, Bobby and Stevie, when they were little, was a wonderful friend of ours for many years.

She was a warrior who battled a particular nasty type of cancer, non-Hodgkins lymphoma, for over fifteen years. When she first told us that she had cancer, she did not show any fear or resentment about being struck with a such catastrophic disease at the young age of 37. She simply faced up to all of the frustrations and pain of having to deal with this disease with courage and dignity at all times, whether it was having to deal with chemotherapy, radiation, and a Pandora's box of drugs, therapy, doctor's office visits, and hospital stays.

In her mind, there was never a question of if she would beat cancer, it was just a question of when she would be done with it. Her doctors told her that her case was hopeless years ago, but she would time after time, shrug off their negative feedback, keep her chin up, and fight the disease. Her situation was particularly cruel because she was told many times that the disease was in "remission," but although many of us might equate "remission" with defeating the disease, it would just come back one more time, over and over and over. And Angela's reaction would, of course, be to just shrug her shoulders, and tough it out once again.

Angela raised her two kids on her own, managed to earn a good enough living to always send her kids to good schools, and live in good neighborhoods. Her kids have grown up into being handsome and intelligent young men, who are both earning a good living, and building families of their own.

When we heard that Angela had once again entered the hospital, in Phoenix, about six weeks ago, we had learned to subscribe to her way of thinking, which was that, of course, she would just beat this thing one more time. Only after she had been there for a month did we realize that this, finally, would be a battle that Angela, for the first time, might not win.

When she passed away last Thursday, she again showed strength and dignity. In fact, when my wife, Vicki, who considers Angela one of her closest friends, arrived at the hospital in Phoenix, at about 7 pm, after flying there from San Diego, Angela finally succumbed, at the young age of 51, a mere twenty minutes later. Everyone in Angela's family who was there told Vicki that Angela hung on to life until she got there, and I truly believe that this is what happened.

Angela's strength and courage are what marked her life, and made her a role model for all of us. She was a true warrior, and we will all miss her greatly. She will truly be a hard act for any of us to follow.

Happy birthday, Zook!

Sugar Magnolia, by the Grateful Dead

Sugar magnolia, blossoms blooming, heads all empty and I don't care,
Saw my baby down by the river, knew she'd have to come up soon for air.

Sweet blossom come on, under the willow, we can have high times if you'll abide
We can discover the wonders of nature, rolling in the rushes down by the riverside.

She's got everything delightful, she's got everything I need,
Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double, pays my ticket when I speed

She comes skimmin' through rays of violet, she can wade in a drop of dew,
She don't come and I don't follow, waits backstage while I sing to you.

Well, she can dance a Cajun rhythm, jump like a willys in four wheel drive.
She's a summer love for spring, fall and winter. She can make happy any man alive.

Sugar magnolia, ringing that bluebell, caught up in sunlight, come on out singing
I'll walk you in the sunshine, come on honey, come along with me.

She's got everything delightful, she's got everything I need,
A breeze in the pines and the sun and bright moonlight, lazing in the sunshine yes
indeed.

Sometimes when the cuckoo's crying, when the moon is half way down,
Sometimes when the night is dying, I take me out and I wander around, I wander
'round.

Sunshine, daydream, walking in the tall trees, going where the wind goes
Blooming like a red rose, breathing more freely,
Ride our singin', I'll walk you in the morning sunshine.  Sunshine, daydream. Sunshine,
daydream. Walking in the sunshine.

Zook! Long time, no talk. You've been gone since March 27, but it's still hard to imagine a world without you in it. I just wanted to say hello, and wish you Happy Birthday!

I know that in my case, the thought of death is depressing, because I have always been concerned that the day after I die, a lot of great things are going to happen, which, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will have to miss. I have wondered what if the day after I die, the following things happen:

• The entire world becomes Jewish, and Hebrew becomes the official language of the universe.
• Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Joe Wilson will together be put into a kind of limbo/hell where they each can fight each other and act obnoxious, collectively, forever
• Infomercials become extinct.
• The San Diego Padres and San Diego Chargers go undefeated this year, next year, and forever.
• Stupid people are banned forever; (see you later, Sarah, Rush and Joe).

Anyway, Zook, here is a quick summary of what's happened since your departure:

• Joe Wilson? Just as stupid as the other stupid conservatives that were around six months ago.
• Everyone is going nuts about health insurance. The notion that the government may offer health insurance is causing the nut cases to come out of the woodwork, and accuse everyone who is for "the public option" of being a crazed Commie. Also, people are now convinced that the government will create "death panels" (thanks a lot Sarah) who will put Grandma and Grandpa to death, for no reason whatsover. I guess that health insurance companies are our friends now, and the big bad US government is our enemy. I know what you would say to that: Yeah, right. I now that I have had lots of experience with health insurance companies, and I find that all of them have one thing in common with all other insurance companies: minimize payments out, and maximize payments in. I have personal experience with a situation where Medicare paid for my wife's surgery, and my wonderful lovable health insurance company paid.....zero. Hmmm...who sounds more like a "death panel" now: the insurance company or the government?
• The San Diego teams? Same as before. The Padres are in last (or close to being in last), and the Chargers will probably, as you used to say, "choke" before they reach the promised land.
• Your family? Everyone looks like they are doing well. Your wife and daughter have spent some great quality time with your sister, and your Mom and Dad? They're like the Everready battery..they just take a lickin' and keep on tickin'..At last count, they have outlived Edward Kennedy, Dominic Dunne, and Michael Jackson.You might be surprised that MJ bit the dust, at age 50? Hey, the guy was injesting 40 Xanax a night, so now it would make sense to you.
• Rudeness--Everybody is getting more and more rude, Zook, but I guess you wouldn't be surprised about that. I'm sure you saw plenty of rudeness in your life, working as an insurance adjuster.
• The economy--It's probably gotten worse, since you were here, with unemployment up to 12.2% in California. We are all hoping it will get better, and at least, it looks like we are not going to be in a full-blown Depression, but finding jobs now looks really difficult, and should be for some time.

Anyway, Zook, I just wanted you to know that we are all thinking of you, and we all miss you.

Love,

Your older brother

Where America Shops--Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart may already have my soul. It's probably my second favorite place to shop (after the immortal Costco, subject of my last blog).


What is impressive about Wal-Mart is that the prices are incredibly low and you don't have to purchase "big box" quantities of everything to get a good price. But there are a few things that stand out about Wal-Mart, both in "good" and "bad" ways, which are:

• So many overweight people love to shop at Wal-Mart--I can't think of anywhere else I have shopped where there are so many people with weights in the high 200 pound and up range. One would almost think that there is a weight requirement to walk into a Wal-Mart. (Take that, you skinny b___s, few of whom I have ever seen in a Wal-Mart). Men with their bellies hanging out under their T-shirts, and women with gigantic arms and bubbling behinds in their tucked-in purple stretch pants provide a truly startling visual vibe. You would think that consuming about five donuts or more is a requirement for walking into a Wal-Mart. Anyway, if you ever feel the ground shaking the next time you visit a Wal-Mart in California, don't worry about an earthquake: it's just the floor boards creaking under the cumulative weight of all of the oversize Wal-Mart customers.
  


• So many Wal-Mart shoppers have tattoos--When you visit one of these fine establishments, it's hard to not find somebody who has tattoos: old people, teenagers, young women, middle-aged women, people in the military, college kids, everywhere you look, you see tattoos. I am probably biased against tattoos based on my age and religion (Jews are not supposed to wear tattoos, although exceptions have been made for Holocaust survivors, since, unlike the rest of tattoo wearers, they can truly say that getting their skin used like a portable etch-a-sketch machine was not their idea.) Tattoos for men? Even though I don't like them, I do get the macho factor, that getting a tattoo shows that you survived Iraq, Afghanistan, working for George Bush, being a teacher in the public school system, etc, etc. But for women, I have the visceral yecch factor. Too often as I see an attractive young woman walk by, I am thinking about how great she looks and then.....there goes the rose tattoo strategically placed just above her rear. Or, there is the little red star on the back of her otherwise dainty-looking neck. And then......drum roll....the award for the multiple ugly turn-off factor goes to....women who have gigantic snake tattoos on their arms or legs. Somewhere in America I can just picture the guy who has taken a woman home on a date, he thinks he is going to "go all the way," he takes her upstairs and then, before the magic moment, he sees two gigantic snakes with gigantic red fangs on her thighs...Then, after failure hits, she says, "OK, that's alright honey, maybe you're just tired tonight," and he says, "I just don't get it. I don't know what has gotten into me tonight." (What he should say is, "How do you expect me to perform when those two gigantic snarling cobras on your legs are waiting to dig their shiny teeth into my ____________and strangle my b___s until they look like raisins!)

• Is it good to love such a "bad" company?--We have all heard about all of the terrible things Wal-Mart does to a large collection of people: Sweatshop labor--People work overseas in sweatshops to make clothes sold by Wal-Mart for the same amount of money per day that we Americans leave as a tip in a cheap restaurant. Unions:fuhgedaboutit, Norma Rae, take a hike, Sally Field, no, we don't really like you. Medical plans for Wal-Mart employees: I hate to even think about it. They probably either have to put with no medical care at all, or a PPO plan where the deductible is equal to your first child, or an HMO plan where they get doctors who went to medical school in Guatamela and are being paid about $10 a day for the right to let you rot in their office for hours waiting for them to take a look at you. And so on...And yet, look how well Wal-Marts do, even in our crummy economy. They get loads of shoppers, especially people who look like they are not exactly high-earning Yuppie scum. They employ tons of people around the world. A Wal-Mart comes to your local shopping center and boom, what a difference. There is a mall in my area which used to be moribund, until the Wal-Mart showed up. Now, the mall parking lots are usually full, even far away from the Wal-Mart, as shoppers come out of nowhere to spend their money, and keep the other stores, next to the Wal-Mart, doing well in their businesses. As we know, including those of us who never suffered through an economics course, once consumers spend money, it enables other consumers to be employed, which in turn leads to more consumers spending money, and so on.

Maybe, as the character Gordon Gecko said in the movie, Wall Street: "Greed is good." At least as far as Wal-Mart goes. And for all of the bad things that Wal-Mart does, its customers are buying "stuff," as Thomas Friedman says in his columns, not just risky ideas, such as reverse credit swaps, derivatives, and similar products that brought America, and the entire world economic system, to its knees.

Somebody out there is planning the next Wal-Mart right now, a gigantic institution which will make "stuff", and thus employ thousands of people, or sell "stuff" to the millions of consumers of American products around the world, to help accentuate the economic recovery we are all craving. Whoever it is, go for it. America needs you!

Where America Shops--Costco

I'd like to say a few words about shopping at Costco, one of my favorite places to visit (and where I regularly spend a high percentage of my income). Outside of having such a great selection of products at great prices (provided you are willing to fill your residence top to bottom with huge quantities of toilet paper, paper plates, plastic trash bags, et al.), it is hard to match the excitement that is offered by this fine establishment.

Excitement? What can be exciting about going to Costco? Plenty, as follows:

• Can you successfully wheel your cart away from the store and into the parking lot, to where your car is located? Not always an easy task, based on my personal experience. One day I was leaving the Costco, which in my area, requires navigating past the teeming hordes snacking at the covered picnic tables and around the starving folks waiting in line for Hebrew National hot dogs (which, as we know, are God's personal favorites, although they are not kosher). Anyway, I was just entering the parking lot area, when I saw a white Cadillac, driven by an old white guy, heading rapidly in my direction. I glanced in the driver's eyes, and saw, unfortunately, a blank stare, signifying that he did not see me. I was already in his path, and, he was, literally, a few feet away, so I pushed myself away from the cart, and, he (barely) missed hitting me, and collided with my cart. The eggs that I had piled on top of the cart fell to the ground and broke. The driver then stopped and asked me if I was OK, and I signified that I was, and he offered to pay for any destroyed items, which fortunately, was limited to the $2.00 eggs that were broken. Then, incredibly, a couple of bystanders ignored me, even though I was clearly freaked about the whole thing, since I just missed serious injury, and they asked the old codger if he was OK. Unbelievable. Anyway, the moral of the story is when you enter a parking lot near a Costco and you see a car moving in your direction, pretend that you are in New York City, not Southern California; in other words, they are not going to stop for you, so assume that they are going to hit you.
  

• Avoiding collisions in the bumper car derby in the parking lot--Costco, like most successful American businesses, does its best to maximize customer access to its stores, so all of the Costcos that I have visited have the parking lot rows placed with only minimal space between them. So, the result is there are countless near misses in the parking lot nearly every time I visit a Costco. Today was typical: I waited while an SUV in front of me was stationary, waiting for somebody to leave his parking space next to the store entrance. The SUV blotted out my sight lines and I could not really tell who its occupants were waiting for. I saw one car on the left back up, then go forward again, then back up again, then go forward again, and then...nothing. I guess that they were just perfecting their parking technique. Then, I saw a car in the front row on the right start backing up, to the left. Then on the left side, I saw a car in the third row on the left start backing up, at the same time. And then, to my surprise, I saw a car in front of me, on the right, start backing up out of his parking place. I honked at him to stop, but he did not hear me, and then he missed hitting me....by a few feet. The ending was happy, since everyone was able to either get out of their parking place, or get into a parking place, without any collisions or injuries. Yes, life is a game of inches.

• Lining up to get free samples--This is perhaps the most rewarding sporting event at Costco, since, as my late brother David put it, if you do things right, you can have an entire meal at Costco by trying out the samples. The way that people do everything short of jousting for position gives the impression that those who are lining up have not eaten for a week. However, judging by the ample waistlines of those I see in line, most people that line up for samples probably have not eaten for five minutes, or less. It can also be quite suspenseful as people lick their lips in anticipation, watching as the food server first cooks the food in a microwave oven, then takes out the food, cuts it into acceptable portions, and then puts it out for the starving hordes to enjoy. I have frequently have been in the position of being second in line, for about four portions, with only one person in front of me, and then, as I get ready to reach for my sumptuous burrito slice, defeat is snatched from the jaws of victory, as the person in front of me grabs four portions, hands two to his obese six year old, one to their rather well-fed wife, and grabs the last one for themselves, leaving me to merely salivate and dream of the one that got away. Just like reaching for the American dream: oh so close but ever so far away.... No problem though: the solution is to walk up to another counter, where something that the masses don't covet, like strawberry sorbet, is being offered, and take one for oneself, and then, just to get even with Mr. Greedy who took four pieces for himself a few moments ago, you come back and go for seconds. (Oliver Twist is dead, so you don't even have to say, "Please Sir, may I have some more?")The best part of all this is that the hapless Costco employee will start on their spiel about how this fatty cholesterol-laden product is good for you , and, they will continue on their dissertation long after you have walked away, and end up talking to the air about a product that probably few people would ever eat...unless someone offered it to them for free.

You've got to love it. Shop 'til you drop!

Having fun with IOUs in California

To the left you can see a registered warrant that happens to be an IOU, in the state of California. You might ask yourself, isn't a warrant something that a court will issue for your arrest for some type of crime? Yes it is, but for those of you new to the wonderful world of California world of finance, a "registered warrant" is actually what most of us would think of as a "check," something which, normally, you could deposit in a bank.

However, if you look carefully at the picture to the left, you might notice that there are several words that differentiate this registered warrant from a check, due to the following words: "This Registered Warrant will be honored on or or after 10/2/09." Aha, that is what separates this warrant from a check, because this means that this check cannot be deposited in a bank account until 10/2/09, unless, of course, you are one of the lucky ones who has a bank that will actually take this things as payment. After July 10, a number of these elite institutions, which exist to protect and serve us all, as I discussed in my previous blog, have said that they will no longer accept such "instruments" as payment. So, one might ask, if I have been paid one of these glorious-looking pieces of paper by the state, what can I do?

Do not fret, my fellow Californians, the IOU Stressbuster is here. (I was thinking of analogizing this to "Ghostbusters," which came out in 1984, but since many of my potential readers are too young to remember this, I will not dwell on this point). So, here are some of my IOU Stressbuster solutions:

1. You may be one of the fortunate ones whose banks might opt to accept one of these sharp-looking pieces of paper as payment anyway. Le chayim! (which means to life in Hebrew). Life is good, so fret no longer.

2. The state of California has indicated that those who wish to pay their bills to the State of California may be able to take an IOU, and, voila, send it back to the State to pay their bills. The thought of doing this is delicious. Just imagine if the State of California owed you some money, and sent you, say, $30,000. What if, for example, you were a tax cheat and you owed the state of California, say, $500,000. If you were exceptionally shrewd, you could turn around and send them some of this "funny money" that you had recently received from the state back to the state in payment of your debt. But, you might ask, how can you get away with paying the state "funny money" for 30K and thus shorting the state by 470K? The answer is that with the state laying off tons of workers, and "furloughing" other workers for two or three days a month (i.e giving them unpaid leave so they can spend quality time with their families, while they are scrounging for leftover food in dumpsters since they will have virtually no money on which to live), the state audit division is probably low on employees, so, if you are really lucky, they won't notice. If they do notice, and you end up in with an immense amount of fines and penalties, you can at least be satisfied that you did your best to "take one for the team."

3. The "secondary market" option--This means that there may be people that actually want to buy and sell these warrants/IOUs. So, in other words, somebody might buy your warrant for a discount, and then sell it for a markup later on. Or, if you want to try out a different kind of "secondary market" a try, you might want to consider using an illegal poker game as a market, especially if you have lots of rich friends who have lots of money to "burn," just as many of us feel "burned" since we have to put up with this nonsense. Let's say that you enter a high-stakes poker game, and you decide to go for it, by putting up an IOU for your bet. If somebody is stupid enough to take your bet, and you lose the bet, voila! Just hand them the piece of paper, and tell them that it is a warrant, from the state of California. Remember, per our economics lesson above, all items that look like checks from the state of California actually are called warrants. However, as we know, in regards to IOUS, in this case, just because it "walks like a duck," and, in this case, it definitely smells like a duck, it may not be a duck at all, because warrants that are IOUs are not treated by banks like checks unless, you are lucky enough to have a bank that does treat the warrants which are IOUS as checks, even though they are not really checks.. Are you confused yet? I know that I am, as well as probably most people in the Great State of California. Anyway, this betting strategy is worth a try, but, just in case the people you are playing are the impatient, unfriendly, possibly violent kind, make sure that you bring your best running shoes with you to the poker game, so that you can make a timely escape if that is what the situation requires.

4. If you are one of the unfortunate ones who are stuck with many warrants/IOUS, you might consider using the warrants to construct a model of a house, since you may be among these who have found that they cannot afford the house that they are living in, meaning that such a paper IOU/warrant house is the fanciest house you will ever be able to afford. Be careful when you build your IOU/warrant house that you do not unduly damage the IOU/warrants too much, so you don't have excess damage to your house of cards/IOUS/warrants/checks when it tumbles to the ground, just as the economy of our state has being doing lately.

5. Another possibility is neatly stacking your warrants/IOUS in a vertical manner, such that the warrant/IOUS can be used as the modern equivalent of a domino rally, where the warrants can be neatly aligned all over your living room, so that as soon as you knock over one warrant/IOU, all rest of the fall over in a properly synchronized fashion. If you are really clever, you can set up your warrant/IOUS all over your residence, so that, once you have perfected your techniques, you can have the pleasure of watching the warrant/IOUS/checks (maybe) beautifully undulating everywhere you look.

6. Having IOU/warrants can be of great assistance in maintaining a clean and healthy lifestyle. You can use the IOUs to clean your shaver, and, if you cannot afford a vacuum cleaner, and perhaps, even a broom, you can use the warrants to scoop up any refuse and carefully empty it into any nearby trash bags. Remember, however, to keep the IOU/warrant in a clean and sanitary condition, in the event that you intend to have an alternative use of the IOU/warrant in the future.

7. Finally, an IOU/warrant is a fine idea for a gift. Imagine what pleasure you can give to your aunt in Wisconsin, if, in the event that you cannot afford a gift for her this year, since you have no money, you can just take the warrant, put it an envelope, and send it to her. Or, when Christmas or Hanukah rolls around, in December, since the economic situation in California may still be unresolved at this time, an IOU/warrant is truly a gift that keeps on giving.

Happy IOU Stressbusting!

Surviving in the land of IOUS

It is not easy living in California these days. Everyone is depressed and nervous for good reason. Would you accept this thing as payment?

But, let's try to look at the bright side of all of this. I am trying to do my best to make people that I meet feel good about themselves. It's not easy, but it's worth a try.

A couple of days ago, I walked into my bank, currently known as Chase Manhattan, previously known as Washington Mutual, known before that as Great American Federal, and before that, who knows? I have only lived in San Diego for twelve years, so I would have to turn to the old-timers, who might remember the beginnings of this fine institution. Anyway, I walked up to the teller to make my deposit, and I observed that this woman, probably about age 50 or so, looked quite depressed. That is hardly a surprise based on her employer's emergence from the ashes of the previous incarnations of this financial, ex-high flyer, which has lived to enjoy another day thanks to the devoted attention of we, the loving taxpayers. Unlike our financial institutions, the only stimulus packages that we have, are......I don't want to lose my G rating, so I will stop there.

This teller was quite down, perhaps because, as one Chase Home employee confided in me, her employer was trying to maximize their return on investment by several astute moves, including, first of all, taking away some of the earned vacation of some of their employees. I think that was a clever move. After all, why should we, the taxpayers, pay for time given to their employees, who are overjoyed to have this job, when they are, gasp, not working hard enough to keep us, the customers, happy?

Another brilliant move, from what I was told, is that their employees were asked to no longer have water bottles at their desks. After all, if I have come to the bank to deposit my hard-earned paycheck, watching an employee drink from a water bottle could get me so upset that I might walk away from this bank and take my multi-dollar accounts to other elite institutions across the street. Another reason for this move could be that a customer might surmise that perhaps the employees might fill their water bottle with hard liquor, and then take the liberty of swigging it while we, the customers, would watch in horror.

Finally, back in the good old days, when this bank was known as Washington Mutual, the bank decided to take away all of the safe deposit boxes of their customers in most locations. Again, a truly outstanding move. Apparently, the reason for this move was to maximize the business potential in every square inch of every branch. All that newly gained space may have contributed to the fact that the geniuses running this bank invested millions of dollars in either loans that people could barely afford, or, perhaps, placing bets, known as "reverse credit swaps," (with the entire civilized and uncivilized world's economy as collateral), that these people taking on these loans would (would not?) be able to pay their mortgages. Thanks to this move, I was forced to either take my multidollar contents of my safe deposit box and put them under my mattress, or, take my safe deposit box elsewhere. I opted for option number number two, where I got the pleasure of paying a fee for the privilege of using of another elite institution's safe deposit box.

I do feel bad picking on this institution, because it is probably no worse than the other ones, and I do appreciate that they have stuck with me for all of these years, but there are a couple of other interesting moves they have made. On the one hand, one of my accounts went below their minimum, and hence I was charged a fee for something like "inadequate balance maintained." . However, I was using another account to fund this account, and I made such transfers so often that my other account I was charged an "excess activity fee." I was told that to avoid such fees, I could make such transfers either with the teller doing the transaction , or by using an ATM machine. I suppose that this move was to prevent me from trying to do an online transaction and then suffer the indignity of being unable to access my bank account in the event some catastrophe stopping the Internet from functioning, such as the recent passing of Michael Jackson. I feel good though; I am just doing my little part to help this bank be successful in such a difficult time.

Anyway, the woman teller was wearing a very sharp looking Chase Manhattan shirt, blue with a couple of buttons and a nice collar. I complemented her and told her, "Hey, things can't be that bad. After all, you are wearing a nice shirt with Chase Manhattan insignia." Alas, she told me that her nice new shirt was actually torn in a couple of spots, and that one of the buttons was coming off, which lead me to thinking, how many times a week do these employees have to wear these shirts? Do the employees get a new shirt to wear every day, or do they have go home every night, to wash the one shirt that they have been issued, and then repeat this ritual every day to the point where their shirts start falling apart and become shabby-looking? I am afraid to inquire more into this, so I have let this one go.


Anyway, as you probably can guess, the morale of this story is : Accentuate the positive. Do your best to cheer up everyone you meet, even bank employees. You might try to do your best Michael Jackson dance moves in the bank lobby, by doing some spins, standing on your tip toes and doing some Moonwalking. You will definitely put on the smile of everyone in the bank (except for, perhaps the security guards, who might, unfortunately, deduce that you are a threat to the bank in light of your behavior, and arrest you, or even shoot you. ) But, do not fear. America will survive this economic meltdown, as long as we and all consumers keep a smile on our faces, and, as the old saying goes, "Don't let'em see you sweat."